To do lists can be bad for your health

My clients and loved ones have told me on many occasions how they don’t  have enough energy or time to get everything on the ‘to do list’ done, snoozing  the alarm when it goes off in the morning and not wanting to get up or that feeling of wanting to have a duvet day in front of the TV but not ‘giving in’ to it because it would be a complete waste of a day off, or the feelings of guilt and perceived judgement can’t allow it. Many people feel the urge to be busy to make the most of their time where sitting having a coffee and reading a magazine or book sounds lovely, but far too indulgent! ‘I can’t do that, I have so much to do!’ or ‘What would my (partner, mother friends) think of me?’

Does this sound familiar to you? It really chimes with me as I used to be like this too.

Over the many years of my own therapy, my training, and my working in the world of counselling and psychotherapy I have learned to offer myself permission to rest, to take a break and just be still. I learned to give myself permission not to have a ‘to do list’ or a certain day for all the things that need to be done regularly in the house and garden, like change the bed, clean the house, do the shopping and so on. I know these things need to be done, so I really don’t need them listed on a piece of paper, nor do I have to do them on a set day. That is not to say that I don’t have the need to note things down that I need to remember to do, I would forget all sorts of things if I didn’t have my trusty pad of Post It notes and my diary, believe me!

So, what happens when you don’t get to the bottom of the list because other things come up that need to be prioritised? I have learned that lists can be punitive and cause feelings of guilt, shame or disappointment if you don’t get to the bottom of them by a certain time and can act as a reminder of your perception of yourself not being good enough or a failure. So, you then move the unfinished tasks onto top of the next list and so on. Ground hog day, right?

A few months ago, I heard someone say that “a schedule should represent your best day, not like you won the lottery or anything, but it should not be a prison” (I believe that this came from an American or Canadian Psychiatrist, but I cannot remember who). This struck me as very wise and something that I work with a lot with my clients. The list should act as a framework to help you feel organised and on top of things, but in my experience, the list becomes a prison of having to be busy all the time so that you can prove your worth by your output or avoid anxiety. How many times have you added something to the list that you have just done spontaneously, because it wasn’t on the list, just so that you can tick it off and see how productive you have been? I know I have.

This really resonated with me and my interpretation of this idea is that a ‘to do list’ should have the things you have to get done and might forget as well as the things you want to get done and give you joy and therefore gives you the best chance of having a good day because you can balance it with the things that make you happy as well as productive.

What would it be like to not have a ‘to do list’ or routine of having to do a certain thing by a certain time or on a certain day when it comes to jobs in the house like the laundry, shopping, cleaning etc.? What would it feel like to offer yourself permission not to do anything or only the things that cannot wait, on a day where you are feeling unwell or are tired and need some downtime? A tutor of mine once said “We are human beings, not human doings”. We need to be still, but that can bring up uncomfortable feelings that can be ignored when we keep ourselves focused on being busy.

I worked with a client recently who felt stuck, exhausted and like she was at the command of others and her ‘to do lists’ and felt that there was no time for herself. We explored new perspectives and solutions to help encourage self-care and awareness her of needs. I suggested that she checked in to ask herself “what do I need?” and she came up with the following question that worked for her; “So, I need to ask myself; what do I need? and not what do I need to do?”. I think that this is so powerful and such a great question to ask yourself when you are feeling overwhelmed, tired, and out of sorts.

If this is something that really resonates with you and you would like to find a way to change your thinking so that you can have a more peaceful, balanced and happy life, let me know. I am here if you would like to talk.